This image above has been circulating on facebook this week (I don’t know who the original author is, so if you do please let me know so I can give them credit), it shows just how much is expected of us, and this isn’t even half of it! I read it to my 9 year old and before I was half way through she said “whoa that’s a lot!”

I shared the image in my Facebook group The Empowered Mama Movement and a member asked “how do we start changing this so our daughters have an easier life?”. And that’s what I would like to explore in this blog post. 

If you’ve stumbled upon my blog for the first time and don’t know me, I'm Vicky Drake and I'm an Empowerment Coach for Mums. To get to where I am today I’ve had to go on a deep inner journey to empower myself, and let go of a whole shit tonne of self-judgement, self-loathing, perfectionism, people pleasing and so much more. I’ve had to set myself free from all the expectations I’d put on myself, as well as the conditioning we receive from society, and the expectations that come with that too. 

The expectation of women today, and especially mothers, is pretty much perfection. Many women consider being a ‘perfectionist’ a strength, and I hate to break it to you but it’s not, of course we want to strive to be/do the best we can but perfection is a myth, it can never be achieved so aiming for it is only ever going to leave you feeling ‘less than’. As a recovering perfectionist I know. 

So, with all this striving for perfection and pressure to do ‘all the things’, whilst maintaining our health, appearance, career, sanity and being present for the kids, whilst simultaneously being our own person, how do we start changing this so we don’t create the same pressure for our daughters? 

There is only one way to create real change and it's on the inside. We have to change the way we see and speak to ourselves. We have to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves, let go of certain ways of being and thinking and overall just be kinder to ourselves! In a nutshell, we have to stop placing these expectations and pressure on ourselves and each other. 

We’re our children’s role model, so when our daughters see us sacrifice our dreams for others, say yes when we mean no, hold our tongue when we should speak our truth, and constantly being busy without sufficient rest, then we are saying to them ‘this is the way it is’ and they will follow in our footsteps. But when they see us going for our dreams, resting, delegating, making mistakes, saying no, speaking our truth (even if our knees are shaking) and being ok in our imperfection, then they know that is ok too. 

So how do we do that? I believe the very first step is awareness. 

Step 1 is always awareness, until we’re aware there is a problem we can’t do anything to change it. We’ve got to acknowledge what is happening and realise the implications it has so that we can find a better solution. 

So what are the implications of all this pressure and expectations of women today?

Well I think the first one has to be the mental strain. There really aren't enough hours in the day to do it all, especially not to the standard expected, and that’s why so many women feel overwhelmed and stretched to breaking point. There are always so many things to remember so our minds never switch off and unless you’re highly organised you’re bound to forget something! I’d consider myself a naturally organised person, and pre kids my memory was phenomenal, but these days if it doesn’t go straight in my diary it goes straight out of my head! 

This week I’ve seen several ‘I’m such a bad mum’ posts because mums have forgotten something important for their kids or left it too late (I did it myself with Halloween costumes!) But this perception of being ‘bad’ because we forget something is part of the problem and the guilt associated with it is really detrimental. I realise how far i’ve come as I write these words, once upon a time if i’d of left it too late for costumes I would of been so mad with myself and felt so guilty, instead I borrowed a costume from a friend, and bought another one second hand on market place, without a flicker of feeling like a failure or an ounce of guilt, i’m not a bad Mam because I didn’t get a costume in time, i’m a real Mam and i’m teaching my daughters how to be real and imperfect women. 

The mental strain can cause anxiety, depression, overwhelm, exhaustion and feelings of not being good enough or of failing as a mother, not to mention the guilt and shame. These emotions (guilt and shame) are the lowest of emotions and can leave us feeling unworthy, unloved and unseen. Women are great at hiding it and pretending they are ‘fine’ but many are feeling it and it’s all because of this pressure to do so many things and to do them perfectly!

Don’t get me wrong, I still have days when I feel all of the above but they are no longer my default and I can shake them off quickly. To get to this point took some work, and the first thing, after becoming aware, was letting go of any idea of being ‘perfect’ and really embracing the ‘good enough is good enough’ mantra.

‘I’m a perfectionist’ is often said when asking women about their strengths, it used to be one of mine too, and if it’s one of yours it’s the first thing that needs to go if you want to break the cycle and create an easier life for your kids. 

What does letting go of perfectionism look like in real life? It will look slightly different to us all but it includes things like (and brace yourself, some of these may cause involuntary reactions for true perfectionists); not dusting before a friend visits (oh the horror!), posting a blog/doing a presentation before it’s perfect, letting your child go out in dirty clothes, making sandwiches for tea because you just can’t be arsed to cook or telling your boss how you really feel and that you can’t take on that new project because you’re already too stretched.

To let go of perfectionism you also have to simultaneously let go of self-judgement, you can’t get by on ‘good enough’ if you’re judging yourself. You’re judging yourself anytime you tell yourself that you ‘should’ do something. If you’re thinking ‘I'm just going to order pizza for tea but I really should cook something’, you’re placing judgement and expectation on yourself, just let that shit go, order pizza, put your trackies on and frigging relax, which leads us to step 3.

Step 3 - Learn To Really Relax

“Oh shit she’s going to tell me to meditate”, is that what you’re thinking? That would kind of be hypocritical wouldn’t it, given the nature of this post, if we think we ‘should’ do something then we’re judging ourselves and feeling guilty and we want less of that, not more.

When I say learn to really relax what I mean is, if you’re eating pizza in your tracky bottoms and binging on netflix then do that without the chorus of ‘I should be doing x, y or z’ or any guilt. And this is where all the steps kind of merge into one, we need to become aware first that we’re even doing that (judging ourselves and feeling guilty) and when we notice it we have to let it go, and we can do that by simply becoming present, whatever it is we’re doing just give it our full attention. 

YOU are in charge of your mind, so if it races off like a wild stallion pull the reins and calm it down, remind yourself it’s ok, good enough is good enough and what doesn’t get done today can wait until tomorrow. The more we can bring ourselves into the present moment and focus on what we’re doing, rather than being stuck in our head thinking of our to-do list and ‘shoulds’, the more we get to enjoy life. I’m not saying this is easy, I have to consciously practice this every day, going through the steps by first becoming aware, noticing any judgement, expectation or comparison, listening for any ‘shoulds’ and letting it all go and putting my full attention onto whatever it is I really want to do in that moment. You don’t need anyone’s permission to relax, you just need to silence the inner critic and let go. 

We will only break the cycle of being busy and placing too many expectations on women if we break it for ourselves first. This includes our potential judgement of others too or comparing ourselves to others. 

If we’re going to let go of judgement of ourselves then we need to let go of judging others and that includes comparing ourselves to others. This has become such a problem due to social media, filters and Instagram ready ‘perfect’ pictures. We need to remember when we see someone's social media pictures they are posting their highlight real, their best bits. It’s never a true representation of their life or even that moment, it’s the bit they want us to see or they want to remember. 

The second I scroll facebook and notice i'm comparing myself to someone I turn it off, instantly. It’s so easy to see other people’s life and think it’s perfect when you’re only seeing their best bits, but what we really need to do is focus on the best bits of our own life, which isn't always easy when we’re up to our armpits in all the things we have to do!

Practicing gratitude helps with this. I’m not in a million years going to tell you to write down 3 things you’re grateful for every night before bed, cause you’ve got enough shit to do! We can just bring the feeling of gratitude into our day.

It’s the little moments that make our life meaningful not the big things, we’ll always be chasing that next goal, but those little moments, like when our child reaches for our hand and their little palm is so small, soft and warm, or your toddler is right in your face mispronouncing words and you can smell their sweet breath and your heart is bursting with love, or your 6 year old is beaming with pride because they've lost their first tooth, these are the moments that matter! And in those moments we can soak them up and say silently, thank you, and really feel gratitude for what we have. 

When we add those moments up and soak in the gratitude it fills our hearts and lifts our energy and it makes those other moments, the ones we don’t share on social media, a little more bearable. We aren’t trying to be perfect here, just allowing ourselves a little more grace and a lot more gratitude. 

As we learn to do all these things for ourselves we model them for our daughters and make their lives easier because they know they don’t have to do everything today, they know it's ok to make mistakes, they see our imperfection and know they don’t have to be perfect either.

I asked my eldest about her thoughts on this, I told her about the pressure and expectations on mothers and asked her what she thinks we can do differently to ensure her generation doesn't feel the same and this is a summary of what she said.

1. We need to stop pressuring our daughters. If we’re asking them to do things then ask them one at a time, not listing the things that need to be done because then it feels like pressure. I explained of course that she also needs to do the things when I ask (or within a reasonable time frame) otherwise I have to repeat myself and then we both get agitated, so we have agreed that I will only ask her to do one thing at a time and not remind her of ‘all the things’ that need to be done at once. This was a great conversation to have! 

We can so easily pass on the expectations to our daughters without even realising it, which is why step 1 is always awareness. We have to be aware and make a conscious commitment to change. 

2. We have to treat our sons and daughters the same! This is so true and something I have experienced first hand, mothers have much higher expectations of their daughters and it's wrong! I have 2 daughters and my son is only 2 but I will not treat him differently, if we send a lazy man out into the world who expects women to do ‘all the things’ then we are just repeating the cycle. The trouble is so many women do this unconsciously with their sons and do more for them than they would their daughters, we need to be aware of this and change it. 

3. She said it's really important for children to see their mums stand up for themselves and their rights so they know they can do the same. I asked her for an example and she mentioned a time recently when I went into the bank and was challenged by an aggressive bank employee about not wearing a mask (this was the week masks were no longer required, I checked the bank for a sign outside to see if they required a mask to be worn and there was no sign to say they did). When I entered the bank I was challenged, despite others in there with no mask, and I told the woman it was my right to choose, when she said it was private property I turned around and walked out. 

Though it wasn’t a pleasant experience it was important my girls saw me stand my ground and defend my right. People pleasing is a chronic problem in society today and so many people ‘do as they are told’ without question and it can be dangerous territory for women who don’t feel they can say no or try to please others and sacrifice their own instincts or desires. It’s a powerful lesson to teach our daughters, to stand up for their right, to say no and to always follow their instinct and speak their truth, even if their legs and voice are shaking.

I think that's some solid advice from my daughter and I encourage you to have this conversation with your own children, age dependent of course. 

I’m not saying that these steps are all it takes but they are a good place to start. If we stop expecting too much of ourselves we’ll stop expecting too much of our daughters and they won't grow up with the same pressure to do it all so perfectly. They’ll have the courage to say no, the ability to rest and discern what is right for them and not what will please everyone else or withhold some false image of perfection. They will stand whole and complete in their imperfection or at least try their best to do so. 

Remember we can’t do this perfectly, but we can give it our best shot.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, what other things would you add to the list? Come join me in my facebook group here or click the message feature and share your thoughts

With love

Vicky x

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