“You have to share”, we hear lots of parents and grandparents tell their little one, and it’s all said with good intentions, but I think we’re actually causing a big problem without realising it.

I know when we say this, and yes i’ve said it myself, our aim is to teach our child to share, we want them to be kind, take turns and learn to play nicely with others, but when we really look deeper at what's going on, which is something my brain does whether I want it to or not, we’re teaching children to be selfish AND self-sacrificing, which is rather conflicting and confusing. 

I’ve seen it happen so many times, our child is playing with something and another child comes along and takes it, our child gets upset and we say “oh it’s ok, the little boy wants a go now, you have to share” but what’s really happening here? We’re basically saying that even if our child is engrossed in playing with a toy, if another child wants it they have to give it to them. That’s just not ok. Our child learns they have to give up what they have for others and the child taking the toy learns they can just take what they want when they want it.

What needs to happen in this situation is the child taking the toy needs to learn to wait their turn, their lesson is patience. We can teach our child to share by letting them know another child would like to play with it so when they are finished we can give it to them.

Imagine you’re at work using the laminator and Betty in accounts needs it, if she just came in unplugged it and walked off you’d be fuming! So why do we think this is ok for our kids? 

This is just one of the subtle ways we learn to give up our wants and needs for others. I’ve even heard parents say ‘oh they don’t know how to share’ when a child won’t give up a toy that their child wants, but they aren’t teaching their child about sharing, they are teaching them to be selfish and expecting others to give up what they have for them.

This is such an ingrained expectation in society that I think most people do it without realising. If you want to teach your child to share, show them, share with them, but also teach them patience because when they can’t have what they want straight away then they can learn to wait for it. 

A small child literally doesn't have the capacity to share, if they are immersed in play they are fully in that moment and if another child wants to take their toy then of course they’re going to express anger! Just like you would if Betty took your laminator when you were still using it. 

In a situation like this where we have 2 small children wanting the same toy, of course one of them is going to be disappointed, let's just be mindful of teaching them the right lessons, which in this case is really patience, not sharing.

There are so many things we say and do like this with our kids without really questioning it, but we need to because people pleasing, self-sacrificing, perfectionism and being ‘good’ are all issues that many women (and men) struggle with today and it stems from little things like this that we can change now. 

If you agree with this then please share this post, it’s just a little change but one that can have a big impact if we make that small change now

With love

Vicky x

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