My eldest turned 12 on Monday and we've had an amazing few days celebrating, I might of over done it though, I have literally worn myself out and had to go for a nap at 11am yesterday!

Birthdays always make me reflect too and despite all the fun and excitement, there was also a little undertone of sadness that my 'baby' is getting older. This is her last year as a ‘tween’ and I worry that soon she won’t want to go to starbucks and fossil hunting on the beach with us for her birthday, she’ll probably want us to drop her off with her friends and keep our distance. 

The other night I was reminiscing with my husband about when she was a baby and toddler. We knew from the start she was our wild one, she is so incredibly head strong, independent and unbelievably creative and passionate about so many things (she’s a Manifestor in Human Design) and we have loved every minute of being her parents! 

Until we hold our baby for the first time we can’t imagine the depth of love we are capable of, that feeling of unconditional love is so strong it’s almost overwhelming. I think it’s why we put so much pressure on ourselves, alongside the pressure and expectations on mothers from society to ‘do it all’ and to it perfectly! (see last week's blog on the pressure and expectations of mothers here). So if we feel like we’re letting our kids down, or somehow aren't good enough as a mother, then it can cause us a lot of pain. It can make us feel like we’re failing them, or that our child deserves better, but what i’ve come to realise is that our children don’t see us the way we see ourselves, in their eyes we are perfect.

A few years ago I shared a post on Facebook just before my daughter turned 9, it was about times when I felt like I had let her down, or failed, and how I was worried I wasn’t good enough. When the memory came up on my newsfeed this week I realised just how far i’ve come on my personal journey of self-acceptance and why I am so passionate about supporting other mums on that journey too.

I wanted to share that post as part of this weeks blog because it’s message is so important, so here it is:

My baby turns 9 in 3 days. NINE! Where did that time go?

I still remember that first time I held her, its my happy place, a memory I return to whenever I need to feel good 

I remember looking at her and thinking ‘nothing else matters’

I wanted to be the very best Mam I could be, to give her everything she needed and to love her wholeheartedly

I remember one night she wouldn’t stop crying, I’d done everything I was supposed to but she just wouldn’t stop. I started thinking ‘What have I done wrong? Am I not good enough?’

When she was 6 weeks old she got a UTI and developed septicemia, the doctor told me if I hadn’t acted when I did she would have been dead by the morning.  It was the most difficult week of my life, all I could think was ‘did I do something wrong? Is it my fault? Am I not good enough?’

Just before she turned 2 when she leaned on the rails in the airport with her hands crossed behind her back I watched in slow motion as she fell head first to the concrete floor and put her front teeth through her lip! As I ran to her all I could think was ‘I should never have let her leave my side! It’s my fault!’ 

When her little sister arrived and she acted out negatively to get me attention I was exhausted and would shout, I’d then cry when she went to bed because the guilt consumed me.  Again that voice in my head would whisper, and sometimes scream, ‘You're not good enough! You're horrible!’

And even now, at almost 9, there are times when I shout, but now she understands me when I say sorry, and every time she says ‘I forgive you’ 

Now I have developed self-compassion too, I know that i’m doing my best and that is good enough

I didn’t have that when she was little, and especially not when her sister came along, I spent most of my time overwhelmed in feelings of guilt and feeling like no matter what I did I just wasn’t good enough

Now I have a different perspective and I can see those times through her eyes and I know what she would of said:

As a newborn baby she would have said ‘Mam, i’m crying because I don’t want to go back in my moses basket, I want to be with you, because I love you and when i’m not near you I don’t feel ok’. That night when I finally surrendered and lay down with her in the crook of my arm she stopped crying and went to sleep, and continued to sleep there for the next few months until she was ready for her moses basket. Being with me was enough. 

At 6 weeks old in the hospital she would of looked at me and said ‘Mam, this hurts but I’m so glad you’re holding me and singing to me because even though I’m scared and in pain, I know I am safe because you’re here, thank you, I love you’

The time in the airport she'd of said, ‘Mam, that really hurt but i’m so glad you rocked me and told me over and over again that you love me while you kissed my head because that made me feel better, all I needed was you and you were there’

‘When I miss behaved because I wanted your attention but didn’t know how to ask for it and you shouted at me, i’m sorry and I forgive you, I know we all make mistakes and its ok because that’s how we learn, and I know how to say sorry and to forgive people, I know these things because you taught me them, I just wanted to be with you because you’re my Mam and I love you’

‘And now when you get upset sometimes and shout I know you feel guilty because you always say sorry. I know you worry sometimes that you aren’t good enough but in my eyes you’re more than good enough, you’re perfect’

As a Mother we often dismiss the little things we do but to a child these little things matter.  

The kisses on the scratched knee, rocking them close to our hearts when they have hurt themselves, holding their hand while they have an injection, singing to them when they are scared, tucking them in at night with a kiss or a story, giving them medicine when they are poorly, leaving little love notes in their lunchbox, letting them sleep in our bed after a nightmare, it’s all these little things that let them know we love them and it’s these little things that make us more than good enough as a Mother

Sure we might lose our shit sometimes, forget the odd school non-uniform day, or be too tired to do their homework with them, we might not play with them as much as we thought we would, or would like too, (hello reality!) but through their eyes we are enough.  They love us, and whilst we focus in on our every mistake and imperfection, they see all our good bits, they love us as unconditionally, just as we love them

So if there is anything my almost 9 years of motherhood has taught me its cut yourself some slack, you’re doing better than you think you are! And to all the Mothers out there who feel like they are doing it all wrong and are wondering how everyone else is coping while you feel like you’re failing, YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When I looked at my baby girl for the first time all those years ago and thought ‘nothing else matters’, I was right. To me being a Mam means everything to me, my kids come first, always. That’s why when I didn’t feel good enough I had to do something about it, and I chose to certify as an Empowered Parent Coach, to empower myself and others too. 

And it was the best thing I ever did, I really couldn't see how good I was because I was hyper focused on my flaws, I never felt 'enough' because I was judging myself and striving for perfection. But on my journey I healed old wounds, let go of old beliefs and now I know I am more than good enough as a Mother and this has empowered me in all areas of my life and I love helping other mothers to see this truth in themselves too!

If this is something you need support with, to build a deeper connection with yourself and your children, reach out and let’s see how I can support you best or you can take a look at The Empowered Mama self study course, where I share all the tools that helped me to feel empowered as a Mother and know that I am more than good enough!

With love

Vicky x

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